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Learning about cars
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On October 2, 1998, I became the proud recipient of my driver's license. Although I vaguely knew that there would be some great car-and-driver learning experiences up ahead, I had no idea what to expect. Needless to say, I was in for quite a few surprises. For the benefit of other clueless drivers, I decided I should share my tiny fountain of knowledge.
HOW I LEARNED ABOUT DIPSTICKS
Chapter One: Oil
Lesson One:
(I learned this lesson while driving my father's 1988 Ford F150…) Standard cars stall when you remove your foot from the clutch before turning them off and you are not moving.
Lesson Two: In ALL cars, anytime they stall, little lights come on. In this instance, the little CHECK ENGINE light does not necessarily mean you have an engine problem, nor does the OIL LIGHT mean you are low on oil.
Lesson Three: When checking for oil, one uses the dipstick.
Lesson Four: The dipstick IS NOT FOUND in the same place where you add the oil. It's separate...
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Lesson Five: Yes, it IS bad to add too much oil to your car... this is why they invented the dipstick in the first place...
Lesson Six: It is much harder to remove oil than to add oil.
Chapter Two: Theft Protection
Lesson One: Many cars are equipped with a rather useless form of theft protection.
Lesson Two: This theft protector is activated when you turn the steering wheel while your car is not running.
Lesson Three: Sometimes, it is good to use force on your car.
Lesson Four: The theft protector, which will not allow you to turn your keys in the ignition in order to start your car, can be deactivated by forcefully and rapidly turning the steering wheel from side to side.
Chapter Three: Painting
When I got my "new" old car, a 1990 Plymouth Acclaim, it had been repainted with one of the lousiest paint jobs I have ever laid eyes on. It was (and still is) a dull, pale blue, with a peeling roof and hood.
Lesson One: For small paint jobs, you can do-it-yourself by buying little spray cans of paint and rust-killer at your local car supply store. Just follow the instructions on the can. But…
Lesson Two: When your whole roof is peeling off, it may be easier and wiser to have someone else give you a cheap paint job.
Lesson Three: If you're looking for a cheap paint job, you don't go to an auto body shop. They give you quality paint jobs. And these are veerrrry expensive… a quality paint job on my car would have cost over a thousand dollars, and the car itself only cost 1,500 dollars.
Lesson Four: For a cheap paint job, get a Maaco paint job. It won't last forever, but it'll do. Unfortunately, due to inflation, these are usually over 500 dollars… not really so cheap, depending on how much money you're willing to spend to make your car look pretty.
Chapter Four: Deceleration
This was my first real fiasco with "my" Acclaim.
Lesson One: Failure to Accelerate When your car fails to accelerate when going up hills, this could be a problem. Do not overlook it.
Lesson Two: Failure to Accelerate, Part II: When your car fails to accelerate while NOT going up hills, this could be an even bigger problem.
Lesson Three: Deceleration When your car begins to decelerate, despite the fact that you are pushing the gas pedal to the floor, and your car is running, and then the little engine light and check oil lights come on, you have a problem for sure. Pull over to the side of the road.
Lesson Four: Coolant If your car goes "ka-thoonk" when you pull over and turn it off, you may think you hit something. But if you go out to see what's wrong with your vehicle, and you see green stuff squirting and oozing out of the front of your car, you just have a really big problem. But I probably don't have to tell you that. For future reference, we will refer to the green, hot (don't touch it) liquid as coolant, a.k.a. antifreeze.
Lesson Five: Driving with Minimal Coolant If you are not too far from home when your car decides to spit coolant everywhere, you may try to make it back to your home. Be very careful to make sure your engine does not overheat by watching the engine temperature gauge (it has an H and a C on it and several little lines in between). You don't want the needle to reach the H. To keep the engine as cool as possible, turn on your heat, and put it on high, because the heat comes from the engine. If you begin to experience a burning sensation because of this heat, open your windows to cool off. Whatever you do, DON'T RUN THE AIR CONDITIONING, because this makes the engine work harder, thus getting hotter. If the needle of the temperature gauge reaches the H, pull over to the side of the road and stop until the engine has cooled. If you don't keep the engine cool, and it begins to steam, pull over and don't be surprised when you experience another "ka-thoonk" and coolant mini-fountain.
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